i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
