dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
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