in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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