god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
