No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
