No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
