So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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