remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
