Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
