I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
