Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
