atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
