we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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