They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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