Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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