youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
