Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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