I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
