no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
