i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
