my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
