I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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