I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
