my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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