what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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