Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
