Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
