somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
