my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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