I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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