Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
