Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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