I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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