that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
