I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So vagazzling was a success
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
