As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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