I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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