i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
