My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
