I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
