so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
