My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
