Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
