You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
