Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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