plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
