The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
