Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
