All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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