I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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