between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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